Go on. Have a smile. Maybe even a giggle or two. Oh what the hell, just let it all out and bawl until your face turns red and tears come streaming down your face. Chicken soup may be good for your body but laughter lights up your soul, and who knows you may just live longer too.
By Career Central
Excerpts from real performance evaluation
This associate is not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won’t be.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was not looking.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.
A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
Has two brains: one is lost; the other one is out looking for it.
He’s so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, she would get a refund.
If he were anymore stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you will get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It is hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Corporate terminology explained
Competitive salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
Casual work environment: We don’t pay you enough to expect that you’ll dress nicely.
Must be deadline-orientated: You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
Some overtime required: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
Duties will vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Must have an eye for detail: We have no quality control.
Career-minded: Female employees must be childless (and remain that way).
Apply in person: If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experiences: You’ll need it to replace the three people who just left.
Problem-solving skills a must: You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
Requires team leadership skills: You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
Quotes we love
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,” -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff,” -- Mariah Carey
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,” -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.” -- Keppel Enderbery, Former Australian Cabinet Minister
“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.” --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires.” – George Bush, U.S. President